"Old Ares Had a Farm"
by Michelle Erica Green

With a Woof-Woof Here and a Woof-Woof There

"Old Ares Had a Farm" Plot Summary:

Worried when she learns that every warlord in the region has it in for the now-mortal God of War, Xena takes Gabrielle to convince Ares to try a new, anonymous life as a farmer. She takes him to her grandparents' homestead, which has become quite run-down despite her nostalgia about the place. Ares is thoroughly unenthusiastic despite a flirtatious local widow, and can't even manage to kill a chicken for dinner.

When the roof leaks, Ares, Xena and Gabrielle are forced to share the large bed in Xena's old bedroom, which he thinks will be a dream come true. But Xena won't let him snuggle, leading the ex-god to moan that he's in Tartarus. He does manage to adopt a dog, and once Xena diverts the hunting warlords to the lair of a monster, it appears that things could remain peaceful for Ares...for a little while, at least.


An utterly silly yet charming episode, "Old Ares Had a Farm" is worth watching for the scene in which the god of war mistakes a puppy for a wolf and the one in which he can't manage to kill a chicken. He also does a hilarious turn as a Southern hick to divert the warlords.

The real hilarity, however, is reserved for the scene in which Xena, Gabrielle and Ares realize they must share the one large bed in Xena's old bedroom because the roof is leaking everywhere else in the farmhouse. At first delighted with the prospect, Ares finds that he can't sleep, can't stop Xena from stealing the covers, and can't get anyone to snuggle with him. Worse, when Gabrielle rolls over and sleepily drapes her hand over the bulge in his pyjamas, Xena hears his breathing get heavy and removes it. "I am in Tartarus!" howls the ex-god.

In the end, the women rescue Ares from the warlords by putting on a diversionary performance. Xena pretends she fell in love with Ares and Gabrielle pretends to be so jealous that Xena has found someone else that she challenges her to a duel. As the two women hurl pottery and wrestle, the warlords almost forget to go pursue their trophy. Ares must be sorry he missed this scene.

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