by Michelle Erica Green

Where There's a Will, There's a Way

"Who Mourns For Morn?" Plot Summary:

Quark has a holographic Morn posing for the real one, but when Morn is reported dead in an accident, the Ferengi throws a Lurian wake for him and feigns deep mourning. He is surprised to learn that Morn left him his entire estate, then more surprised to learn that Morn was apparently broke. However, when he enters Morn's quarters to survey the pathetic contents, a beautiful woman emerges from Morn's mud bath. She says that she's Lorell, Morn's ex-wife, and wants to know whether Quark knows about the thousand bars of gold-pressed latinum in Morn's retirement fund.

Quark wonders aloud to Dax why people press latinum in worthless gold. Dax warns him to beware the woman, and Quark says he will - but he doesn't mind if she wants to fondle his lobes. When he returns to his quarters, a pair of brothers threateningly announce that Morn owed them money, and after one of them breaks a painting of Morn over Quark's head, Quark agrees to split the money with them, though he doesn't yet know where it is. Then he discovers in the ruined painting a claim check for a storage locker on the station.

In the locker, Quark finds only one bar of gold-pressed latinum...but it has a claim number for a Bolian bank account. Lorell picks his pocket and steals the bar, but since only Quark can rightfully claim the inheritance, he signals the bank to have the latinum delivered. He is interrupted by a man with a gun who says he's working for the Lurian royal family. The man, Hain, claims Morn was a prince whose money was an inheritance, but must be returned to the royal family now that Morn is dead and Quark's interference violates the law. When Quark tells the man Lorell is on the station, he says that Morn's family has been trying to apprehend her for years, and he would give a large reward for assisance capturing her. He tells Quark to go ahead and have the money delivered as a snare.

Lorell breaks into Quark's quarters but hides when someone tries to pick the lock; it's the thug brothers, who hide in another corner when someone ELSE tries to break in. It's Hain, who knows all of the others - they all used to work with Morn, and pulled off the infamous Lyseppian Mother's Day Heist. The statute of limitations on that crime has just run out, and they all want the money. Now they need Quark's thumbprint to claim it, so they agree to split it five ways.

When the latinum arrives, the four pull guns on Quark, but start shooting at one another while the Ferengi hides in the vault with the money. Odo arrests the others for assault as Quark realizes that the latinum isn't there - the gold is filled with gold dust, which is worthless to him. Quark is shattered, and even more so when Morn turns up alive. He realizes that Morn set him up, faking his own death to get the others off his back. When Quark demands to know where the latinum is stashed, Morn regurgitates some into a cup, and Quark realizes that he has it in his second stomach. He's a rich man.


Ferengi episodes are just getting more and more disgusting. First we had that one where Brunt wanted to slice Quark into pieces, then we had the one where Quark was dealing weapons of genocide, then the one where they used a dead Vorta to rescue Moogie after Nog sliced her hand open. Now we get Quark's celebration over Morn's death, and the discovery that Morn's stomach is worth a fortune. Given Quark's values, I'd expect him to slice the guy open, take the latinum and use a fraction of the wealth to create an interactive holographic Morn so that nobody suspects the crime.

The good news is that nobody else was really dragged down by this episode: Sisko was a non-entity, Odo appeared only long enough to glare censoriously at Quark (and to squire Kira to the funeral, which I liked), Dax appeared only long enough to have an embarrassing argument with Worf over the crush she says she used to have on Morn, who wasn't interested...and to warn Quark about conniving women, of course (arrgh...I had better not think about Dax at all this season). This was all Quark, too much Quark, and he behaved just as predictably as one might expect. "Who Mourns For Morn?" wasn't very funny, wasn't very FUN, and the kicker at the end was in the wrong part of the anatomy.

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